“In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” -Ephesians 4:26-27

I’m frustrated. We’re human, it’s natural but God please give me the patience to compose myself and not act out of emotions. Teach me to exhibit the fruits of the spirit through my actions and speech even when I’m tempered. When someone slaps me in the face give me the strength to be able to turn the other cheek.

Again it’s been a while since I’ve updated this and I think it’s important for me to do so so that I can constantly remind myself of what God has been doing in my life.  In these last couple months I’ve slowly seen myself stop trying as hard in academics and in general.  That fiery ambition I had the first year in college to transfer has long gone.  And not to my surprise, I got rejected to all the UC’s I applied for except being wait listed to UCSD.  It doesn’t only hurt myself but those around me as well.  What kind of testimony am I sending when my mom sees me just sleeping in my bed or playing games? Or when my girlfriend sees me put on a little weight and stay in bed? I keep asking myself why but deep down I already know why.  I was prideful lazy servant.  I thought that I would get in for sure with all my credentials so I stopped reading, doing the homework, and even going to some classes.  It even carried over to my daily life as I just stopped reflecting, working out, and having a heart for others.  The thing I didn’t want to happen happened and now I have to stay here another year unless by divine intervention I get into UCSD.

If I do stay here another year though. I need to learn to finish strong.  I need to go through the finish line and stop giving myself excuses to not have to work hard.  It is only through adversity that my character will grow and if I’m never willing to strive for anything then I will always be stagnant.

God give me a heart for you. Set my eyes for greater things and teach me to cooperate with you.  May I place my life in your hands and not my own.

“But my eyes are fixed on you, Sovereign LORD; in you I take refuge—do not give me over to death.” -Psalm 141:8

I wonder if my kid self saw myself now, what would he think?  Of all the things I wanted to become, what am I now?  Of all the dreams I had as a kid, how many have I achieved?  Whether he’d be more sad of the things I’m not or happy about the things I turned out to be.  But I’m fortunate those kid-sized dreams have died and new ones have grown.  One of the biggest problems with so many of my dreams were that deep down they were fueled by pride.  I wanted to be great, rich, significant, acknowledged, and so on.  I wanted lots of stuff.  Peeling back the layers and examining the motives of my heart, so many of my dreams were crafted to bring success and comfort.  They revolved around me.  But I strive towards a greater dream now.  One that I not only share with myself but with God and many other believers as well.  That one day I can be praising God side by side with my family and friends in heaven.  

• To really ask God where he is leading me this summer.
• To get out of my comfort zone and challenge myself.
• To have a thrusting desire for God.
• To learn how to truly fear him.

After submitting my apps to transfer I’ve felt like I’ve just been wandering in empty space.  Stuck in between two places, unmotivated but still breathing. I see myself slowly reverting back to my old ways and bad habits. I can’t say my relationship with God right now is the best either.  I need a spiritual revival.  I need to PUSH, pray until something happens.  

“If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” -1 John 1:8-9

There are so many things that I thought I knew for certain a year ago that I no longer have a clue about and just as many questions I’ve had before that have been answered.  I’m always speculating about what my future will be like.  I set plans for myself as if they’re set in stone.  Quite absurd right?  Instead of letting God play the chess piece I always want to move on my own.  That is my problem.  I think it’s okay that I ask God questions because there is no doubt without faith.  However, I need to learn not to overwhelm myself too much with uncertainty and submit.

“In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.” -Proverbs 16:9